Love My Gift, Love Me Or Is It Love Me, Love My Gift: a Study of the Cultural Construction of Romantic Gift Giving Among Japanese Couples

Past studies indicate women are more involved in gift exchange in general (Otnes et al. 1993), and Christmas gift in particular (Fischer and Arnold 1990). Japanese seem to share a similarity in this regard. Japanese men in general are reluctant when it comes to shopping and buying gifts. These characteristics are probably attributable to their lack of knowledge regarding what would please their partners. Four out of 15 male respondents remarked that their most recent gift-giving involved an inquiry with their partners; they asked what their female partners wanted first and bought the exact item. One male writes that this is not a poor strategy because he thinks that asking his partner "actually pleases [her] even more, and because a gift-buying occasion and selecting the right gift is agonizing" (M 30).

However, the theme that appears in the greatest frequency in the males' most memorable giving episodes is surprise, followed by embarrassment, neither of which occurs in even a single female's giving episode. Areni et al. (1998) support the idea that gift exchange is more memorable and enjoyable when it is given as a surprise because the gift is unexpected. A surprise gift seems to be especially important among singles. One male considered it "more exciting and interesting" (M 29) than asking what his partner wants. Another married male respondent recalled an incident that happened during the dating period, when he attempted to surprise his partner:

He was indeed successful in surprising her although he gave her the wrong item; what she wanted was the one next to the bracelet he bought.

Also, a surprise gift is used strategically to reconcile the relationship after a quarrel. One male who bought a necklace that matched the partner's ring remarked that "the strategy [of giving a gift] was splendidly successful. [He] was impressed by the effectiveness of an unexpected gift." He even wondered "whether there would have been a reconciliation without the gift..." (M 30).

A surprise is also enhanced by combining other gift-giving strategies, such as planning everything to a tee and also secrecy/deception, which were discussed by Areni et al. (1988). One male prepared such a gift for his partner on Christmas:

I gave her a set of cosmetics. She was delighted. Then, ...I gave her a cake that I had been hiding. She appeared very surprised. When she tried to prepare for serving the cake and making tea for us, I held out a bottle of champagne. She seemed surprised by that too. Then, when she tried to take out glasses from the cabinet, I held out champagne glasses. She was very impressed and moved with the series of surprises that I carefully planned to present to her. [M 25]

Therefore, he concluded that"surprise [was] an important factor for a present."

Another theme that appeared in males' episodes is embarrassment. What is memorable about the gift-giving experience for some males is that they are very embarrassed to even enter a store, to shop around, and to buy a gift for a woman. One male who had made up his mind as to what to buy (i.e., a pair of earrings) before going to a store, recalled that "it took some time to enter the store ... and that ... [he] was embarrassed and constantly blushed while selecting which one to buy" (M 38). Given the value system and distinctive gender roles reminiscent of feudal Japan, it is not surprising that male partners do not feel comfortable about shopping for women's gifts. It is not considered as an ideal masculine behavior to please a woman with material goods (Benedict 1946). This old fashioned view is more prevalent among older couples than younger ones. While some female partners hopelessly give up, others, such as this middle-aged female, resent their partners:

...When my birthday is coming or when I want a present, I end up saying to [my husband] 'I want this...' by showing him a catalog. I wish, even once in my life, he would please me so I could leap for joy ,just like in a TV commercial, by presenting a gift that he held behind his back and saying 'here is a gift for you' or 'happy birthday.' [F 45]

For some males, gifts are perceived as an assurance of relationship. One male recalls:

Frankly, [the most memorable gift] was an engagement ring. This was the most expensive gift I ever gave to her ... I remember that I thought, by buying and giving this ring, 'Ah, I can finally, actually marry her ...' feeling exhilarated and deeply committed. [M 35]

Another male, who gets a headache when he starts thinking about what to get for his wife, admits"...such yearly headaching problems may not be a bad thing in order to strengthen the family tie" (M 69).

Females' Giving Experiences

The Japanese females in our sample displayed two prominent characteristics in their gift-giving experiences. One is the practicality of the gift item that they described as the most recent gift that they gave to their partners. Some episodes indicate that females chose clothes, sweaters or vests as regular gifts because they liked them. One confessed that "[the pretty shirt] struck [her] rather than [her husband] at a look and [she] bought it" (F 29). Married females especially seem to play multiple sex roles in gift-giving occasions: a fashion watch dog of her husband, a comptroller of the household budget, and a caring wife:

I am not sure whether I bought [the clothes] as gifts or as they became necessary. I buy those clothes based on my preference but give them to [my husband] on his birthday as gifts. [F 35]

Thus, Japanese women seem to share similar traits with their American counterparts (Otnes et al. 1993).

The other prominent aspect of female giving experiences is that almost all the consumers mentioned handmade knitting items, such as sweaters, vests or gloves, as the most memorable gifts that they ever gave to their partners. The narratives also disclosed the somewhat hedonic perceptions of Japanese women. For many consumers, what was important was the enjoyment of the knitting process. Their primary concern centers around their own accomplishment and subsequent compliments, while their partners' needs and satisfaction with the gift are important yet secondary:

I liked the time I spent while I made [the vest:] Choosing the yam, creating the design, and measuring the size. After finishing it, I wrapped it up. I was very satisfied with the all-original created gift. [F 351

This response was typical of women's experiences of "the happiest moment" when their partners wore their handmade clothes. The male partner's appreciation is instantly expressed verbally or nonverbally, as one female excitedly recalls, "he wore the sweater on top of the shirt immediately" (F 30). It can be observed over an extended period of time:

He later married a different woman. But, ..., I learned he still had the old, worn out sweater and took good care of it, although his wife had been asking him to throw it away. I was very moved when I heard about it ... [F 301

Males' Receiving Experiences

Not surprisingly, a handmade sweater or other handmade items are the most memorable gifts that many males received. The themes that appear in their episodes are again surprise and assurance/symbol of relationship. Although the females, who wrote about a handmade item as the most memorable giving gift, did not mention that they had an intention to surprise their partner, the gift did surprise their partners. Similarly, although most of the females did not express any extended effort or sacrifice involved in making the sweater or other handmade items, the male partners tended to perceive that they were making such an effort. The male partners interpreted an irregular shape, a wrong size, or loose knit that created an unprofessional appearance as signs of efforts made by the female partners who were unaccustomed to engaging in such crafts and thus were also unskilled in them:

Perhaps, [the most memorable gift] is a handmade sweater I received on my birthday. She was not a kind of woman who would make such a thing. In fact, the sweater was not knit tightly and was stretched out, and I could not wear it. Therefore, the sweater made me feel that she tried hard to do something she was not used to. [M 30]

Anxiety caused by uncertainty in a relationship is one of the characteristics of the early phase of romantic love (Jankowiak 1995). A surprise handmade gift can function to release such anxiety and to symbolize the intimate relationship:

About three months after we started to go out, the number of days in a week that my wife returned home while leaving me in school increased. It seemed she was avoiding me. I was a member of the soccer team in school. She used to wait for me while I was practicing, and we used to go home together. I was worried that she started to lose interest in me. Then my birthday came. On my birthday, she gave me a cushion on which she embroidered my figure playing soccer. I was relieved and pleased when I found out that she was leaving home without waiting for me because she was making the cushion for one month before my birthday. This cushion was the first gift I received from her. I still treasure it even today. [M 29]

But, the gift does not have to be handmade in order for it to function as a sign of intimate relationship. It can be the first gift which indicates "warm feeling towards [the partner]"(M 38) or provides opportunities for communication:

This happened before I started to go out with her: There was a Christmas party among friends and each of us was supposed to bring a gift. The gifts were collected into one place and then randomly given to each guest. By coincidence, her gift came into my hand. Looking at me having her gift, she started to talk to me, 'Oh, that's the one I brought!' As I had liked her even before then, I became very happy. [M 35]

Many of the males' most memorable gifts tend to be the first handmade item that they received in their life. Others appreciate covert thoughtfulness manifested in the unexpected gift. These seem to be more common among married couples. For example, one male who wanted to buy a new wristwatch but hesitated to buy one because the current one was still working recalls:

I could not tell my wife that I wanted a new one and just looked at the advertisements in the news paper insertion from time to time. One day, she quietly gave me the one I wanted. [M 29]

Another male (M 35) also appreciated that his wife, hearing him murmuring about his favorite sake, made a big trip to a distant liquor store to buy the particular brand. These last two episodes are not illustrating a gift that they received for a particular occasion. But, in both instances, the male partners experienced joy and appreciation derived from the unexpected present. They appreciated their wives because of their close attention and thoughtfulness to please them in a subtle way.

Females' Receiving Experiences

The main themes for Japanese female consumers' most memorable gift-receiving episodes are unexpected/surprise and effort. They appreciate subtle, quiet thoughtfulness that they feel in their receiving experiences, similar to males'. While Japanese men strive to surprise their partners; in gift-giving occasions (and that is one of the most memorable aspects of the giving experience), their female counterparts appreciate such attempts in their gift-receiving experiences. For them, the male partners' attempts themselves are even more important and appreciated than the tangible gift item. One female whose boy friend surprised her by "planning everything to a tee" for her birthday dinner at an unusual restaurant and a surprise gift recalled:

TABLE 1

GIFT GIVING/RECEIVING THEMES FOR MALE AND FEMALE CONSUMERS

The gift was a small casual-looking tote bag. To tell the truth, I did not like the design. But, I really appreciated his thoughtfulness: reserving the table at the restaurant and buying the surprise gift. [17271

Another female whose boyfriend unexpectedly bought her a gift in disguise explained the circumstances:

I saw the muffler and said jokingly, 'I like this. Should I buy it?'Then he bought it when I wasn't aware ... I had absolutely no expectation. [F 30]

What made this gift-receiving occasion even more memorable for her was their subsequent conversation:

[The muffler] was not expensive. I put the muffler around my neck immediately and shouted 'I will treasure this for the rest of my life. I am so happy.'...[In] response to my comments, he said 'you are lying.' Later, he confessed that he said so in order to conceal his embarrassment, and in fact, he was very happy about my comments. [F 30]

This male partner's seemingly strange reaction is understandable among the Japanese. Japanese people are in general reserved and not trained to express their feelings (Benedict 1946; Matsumoto et al. 1988). Therefore, when one is overtly complimented, he or she is embarrassed by the other person's expressiveness and by a lack of knowledge and experience of how to properly react under such situations (Doi 1986).

Also, as discussed previously, men are not accustomed to give gifts to their romantic partners, especially when they are young and single. Japanese women understand the embarrassing feelings their partners have to endure while shopping for gifts. therefore, women tend to appreciate men's efforts to overcome such suffering. Their psychological torture weighs heavier than the material gift in the female consumers' overall evaluation of the most memorable gift receiving experience:

[The most memorable gift] was a scarf he gave me on my birthday ... It was a kind of scarf that I would never buy for myself ... What pleased me was that, although he was not much an expert, he went shopping, consulted the clerk and bought the gift by himself. They say that it is embarrassing for men to buy flowers. I assume that it was as much embarrassing for him to buy the scarf as to buy flowers. His thoughts -'it is embarrassing, but I will do it for her'-pleased me, and this scarf is my favorite one now. [F 271

DISCUSSION

In this paper, we have analyzed gender differences in gift giving and receiving experiences among Japanese consumers. They provided their most recent and the most memorable gift giving and receiving episodes. The emergent themes from these episodes are summarized in Table 1.

There are three major findings. One is the similarity of the characteristics of Japanese couples' most memorable gift to the "perfect gift" (Belk 1996). A handmade sweater, for example, is perceived by men as luxurious (irreplaceable), a result of sacrifice (time and effort), and surprising. Thus the value-adding ability of the handcrafting (Wallendorf and Arriould 1988, cited in Rucker et al. 1996) is not a mono-Western phenomena. Our findings thus directly contradict those of Rucker et al. (1996) who claim "[in] cultures that emphasize strict financial reciprocity, givers and recipients have difficulty adding effort (sacrifice) to the equation" (p. 156). The disagreement comes from the fact that they (and other researchers in the past) do not classify their respondents based on the varying levels of interpersonal intimacy. We, on the contrary, single out romantic couples who feel allowed to express their personal feelings and emotions in privacy (Midooka 1990), although many communicate in a highly contextual manner compared to Western approach (Doi 1985, 1986). In this regard, our study was successful in excavating the personal feelings beyond emotionologically (culturally) construed emotional patterns of the Japanese psyche (Steans and Steans 1985).

There are also seemingly culturally distinct aspects in our findings. For one, embarrassment (rather than financial and time aspects) is a source of men's enduring sacrifice and shopping is a cause of such feeling. For another, men's narratives tend to describe their partners' feelings or expected feelings as a reaction to the men's giving. On the other hand, women's narratives tend to more heavily center on their own feelings. Yet another distinctive aspect is the strong value attached to handmade items, particularly a sweater made by women. In addition to its tangible nature, knitting a sweater requires women to spend more time and efforts than cooking, creating art pieces, or composing poems. It seems however, there is a cultural value attached to a handmade sweater, and it serves as a symbol of perfect gift from a woman to a man in a romantic relationship.

The third finding is that while women seem to correctly interpret their partners' feelings and intentions, men tend to misinterpret their partners'. For example, females understood their partners' embarrassing feelings and intentions to surprise. Males on the other hand perceived their partners' handmade gift as a symbol of sacrifice, surprise, and assurance of relationship while their female counterparts do not report such aspects. Nevertheless, their recollections from the most memorable gift experiences reveal that they arc content with the "perceived" altruistic motive of the giver and their subjective interpretation of their partners' altruistic responses in their self-constructed "perfect gift" synopsis.

CONCLUSION

The process of gift-giving is very much a culturally-constructed, as well as a gender-constructed phenomenon, which entails both major variations and subtle nuances of difference across cultures. Future research should continue to pursue the cultural idiosyncrasy of gift giving and receiving among romantic couples in Japan and elsewhere. It should place stronger emphasis on individuals' feelings and emotions related to romantic (passionate) love, attachment, and reflexive identity reconstruction as they affect gift-giving as a process and means of communication in intimate relationships. Finally, there should be studies to address the effects of stage-of-life and generation on romantic giving and receiving experiences as well.

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